10. Ranidaphobia

I. Hate. Frogs. Fucking. Hate. Frogs. Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I am not exaggerating at all. In fact, I feel like I'm UNDERSTATING the severity of my hatred...nay.... my absolute TERROR of frogs. This all stems from a terrifying childhood experience involving a kamikaze frog doing recon at my grandma's house and his evil to destroy me being stopped by grammy and her toilet. Ever since then, frogs terrify me.

Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. I've heard it a bajilliondy gillion times. "Frogs are more afraid of you than you are of them. They won't hurt you." Then why the hell am I the one losing the staring contest and running away screaming? Yeah, that's right. Riddle me THAT, Batman. Frogs aren't hopping away and telling their laughing evil froggy friends that they'll just sleep in their cars...er...lilypads, WHATEVER, because the human showed up at their door step...and yeah.... so...yeah. Fuck frogs.

So there's this evil little bastard that has figured out my fear so he likes to sit on my door step and wait for me to come home. My mom theorizes it's because he likes to eat the bugs that are attracted to my porch light, but I know.... I. FUCKING. KNOW. It's because he's waiting to get me alone so he can eat me. He waits here, giggling to himself in his croaky little voice, waiting for me to walk up, exhausted from a long day of work. He just likes to watch me run away squealing. And my friends are in on it. I know they are. When they come over and see him, they "offer" to retrieve him for me. What always happens? They'll pick him up, sweetly pet him, smile at me with that annoyingly knowing smile and say, "see, he's harmless. So sweet and soft and squishy." *stroke, stroke* and then..... THEEEEEEEENNNNN..... the little bastard ninja leaps OFF of their palm STRAIGHT AT MY FACE. That little bastard KNOWS.

Fuck the bugs drawn to the light defense. He's after me. Sometimes I'll see him hiding in the shadows. Just watching. Quietly calculating his next move. One day he's going to get me. And you'll all be sorry. And all you frog lovers....you're out of my will.